"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
