can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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