omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
