I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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