i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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