my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
