Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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