Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
