Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
