worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
