I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
they need to just BURY HIM!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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