If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I skipped work to stalk him.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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