I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
