you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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