Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
