Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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