What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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