I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
