my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
