Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
