Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
