So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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