So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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