I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
