He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
