the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
