I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
