is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
