your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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