Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
