Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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