Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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