what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
