Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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