Who wears a wallet chain?!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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