Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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