My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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