I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
