So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
