Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
