New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
ugly people sure do ruin things
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
