This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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