I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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