I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.