you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
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ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
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She's just so happy...and so naked.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy