I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
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Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
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Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?