24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i need some magic done to my vagina
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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