the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
