Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
