things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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