Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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