a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
