Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
