I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
