you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
