at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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