I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
