my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.