my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.