I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
