he shaved USA in his pubs
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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