i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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