cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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