she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
